Vipassana
This winter I spent 10 days meditating in silence at a Vipassana retreat in Northern California. Yes, instead of visiting my family…
This winter I spent 10 days meditating in silence at a Vipassana retreat in Northern California. Yes, instead of visiting my family, catching-up with old friends, or really doing anything, I spent 10 days pretending to be a monk with 249 strangers. To clarify, this was not a Walden Pond finish-my-novel commune-with-nature experience. This was work – meditating for 10 hours each day with no distractions (no conversation, no exercise, no music, no books, no journal, no internet).
Why would anyone do this? Great question. I’ve had a meditation practice for the last 2.5 years (10 minutes/day, using Headspace) and I’ve realized on days I meditate I’m more patient, less stressed, and generally have a better day. On days that I’m feeling upset, lethargic, or bored, I try to retrace what happened throughout the day that brought me to this point and regularly realize I haven’t yet meditated. Having seen benefits from such a minimal practice, I was very interested to dive deeper.
Vipassana teaches that misery comes from attachment. Most people are happy when things are going their way, and unhappy when things are not. However, people have very limited control over if their life is going their way or not. Even if you believe in pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and making your own destiny, I think we can all admit there is plenty outside of our control from moment to moment.
This is a problem. Most everyone is on a happiness roller coaster. Even if your life is trending up, on any given day you’ll still have swings that feel significant; wake up late, just make the train, train smells horrible, check the news, lose faith in humanity, check facebook, get jealous of your friend’s awesome life, be mad at yourself for being jealous of good things happening to others.
Vipassana trains you to understand the fundamental building blocks that make up your response to all situations, which begin with the sensations on your body. A feeling of anger is made up of tensing and heat. Pain is comprised of both the physical throbbing or sharpness of pain and the emotional dread of being in pain. Moment to moment you are experiencing sensations on your whole body that you don’t notice. Only a few sensations are severe enough to get your attention; an itch, a sharp pain, a dull pain, warmth, cold, tingling, relief. Vipassana provides a technique for better observing these sensations on the body, understanding that they are all impermanent (whether it’s extreme pain or extreme ecstasy), and approaching these sensations with equanimity. This helps put a buffer between stimulus and response (or non-response), which is one of the main benefits I’ve seen from any mindfulness meditation practice. It also makes it easier to return to a baseline level of happiness, appreciating positive sensations when they are present and knowing negative sensations are going to pass.
The experience was grueling, but worth it. I left the retreat feeling more resilient, more committed to helping others and giving back, and very much more aware of how long a day is and what can be accomplished when it’s used well. I also feel more optimistic about life, more appreciative of the people in my life, and less worried about proving myself to others. It was a great reminder that there is no singular path to living a great life, nor a single rubric. It’s well-worth exploring ways of living that seem to create the best outcomes based on your values. I’m not quite ready to give up my worldly possessions, live on the charity of others, and meditate constantly, but I have a better understanding of why people do it.
Since getting back, almost everyone I’ve talked to about this has said “oh, I could never be silent for 10 days!” That was actually surprisingly easy. You are surrounded by strangers who actively do not want to talk to you, lest they miss out on whatever etherial benefits will be granted after 10 days of following the rules. The new social norms kick in quickly. What is much more difficult is dealing with the physical pain of sitting perfectly still for an hour at a time, the boredom that comes when the pain isn’t there, and the constant doubt that this is worth 10 days of your life. Having overcome those challenges, I’d highly recommend this experience to anyone interested in the benefits listed above, or anyone that wants to make substantial positive changes in their lives. Whether you are looking to break an addiction, decide on a career, improve personal relations with your family, or something else, I really believe this practice can help. And I really think you can do it.
Learn more about Vipassana here
For those interested, here’s a quick rundown of each of the 10 days, which I actually learned was more like 12 days. The exact day might be off, as this is all from memory (again, no notes/journaling). If you are considering a Vipassana training, don’t benchmark your experience against mine. The most important thing is to follow the precepts, meditate as much as you can, and try to be equanimous towards all sensations — the sensations themselves don’t matter, only your reaction.
Day 0
Drive up using the rideshare program with two women and one guy. It’s the first time for 3 of us, and the 14th or so for the guy. We ask him what the hardest part is. He responds “the physical pain.” Oh… I thought this was a mental exercise… *Gulp*
Arrive, rent a very small towel and some uncomfortable bed sheets. Deeply wonder if I’m joining a cult as I put my cell phone, wallet, and keys into a plastic bag and write my name on it. “It’s free… and it was recommended to me by seemingly sane people… and I know people have left during it before.” These thoughts console me as I close the Ziploc.
Schedules are handed out:
All 250 of us gather in the meditation hall and arrange our cushions to try to get comfortable. This will become a very regular exercise. We all repeat after the recorded voice to ask for Vipassana training, we agree to certain precepts (do not kill, steal, lie, have sexual misconduct, or use intoxicants for these 10 days), and we begin the Noble Silence. We then have our first meditation, focused on following the breath without counting or chanting. Just following the breath, observing reality as it is.
Side note: the Noble Silence does not just mean no talking. It means no communication. Don’t hold the door for someone, don’t apologize if you bump into them, don’t make eye contact. As much as possible, imagine you are having this experience alone.
Silently return to my dorm I’m sharing with 11 other men and climb into bed. Within an hour, really regret delaying in responding to the snorer/non-snorer survey and for removing my flight bag, which had earplugs, from my suitcase earlier today.
Day 1
Wake up at 4:30am to a chime being rung, walk down to the meditation hall in the dark using a flashlight. Continue with the same breathing technique. At some point, a recorded chant begins. At 6:30 the breakfast bell rings and we quickly line up for oatmeal, prunes, raisins, bananas, a PB&J, and peppermint tea (check the schedule, there is no dinner). The chanting stops shortly after we line up.
I step out of line to grab a mug, realize I have no idea who I was standing in front of or behind (it’s funny what you don’t pay attention to when you are actively ignoring others), and just get back in line near where I left it. I’m pretty sure I cut someone. If you’re reading this, I’m sorry.
Eat quickly, wash my dishes, and rush back to my dorm for a nap until the next meditation.
Wake up at 8:00am, walk to the meditation hall. Make a commitment to remain seated and keep my eyes closed for all meditation sessions.
As we are meditating, another recording instructs us to focus entirely on the triangular area formed by the corner of the lips to the bridge of the nose. We focus on that area and feel the sensations of the breath on the upper lip, on hairs in the nose, on the septum of the nostrils. I mostly feel cold air when I inhale, very little when I exhale.
Lunch, similar to experience to breakfast.
Keep my commitment to sit during the afternoon sessions, taking stretch breaks in the transitions from a 90-minute session to a 60-minute session.
Evening tea, there isn’t enough time for a nap after so enjoy the tea slowly and then get some fresh air until the next meditation.
Movie time! We watch a recorded 1991 session with S. N. Goenka, who brought Vipassana to the West. He focuses a lot on how miserable life is and how Vipassana is the way to happiness. He’s extremely charismatic, tells interesting anecdotes, and has a few good jokes. I again fear I’ve joined a cult.
Bedtime.
Day 2
Today, there is a sign outside the meditation hall asking us not to leave during the chanting, as that is rude. I realize all non-meditation instructions are going to be through passive-aggressive notes and I should be sure to read everything.
Based on my eclectic and insane thoughts during a meditation session, I begin to think I am an actual crazy person who has barely held it together by keeping busy in the outside world. I rationalize that everyone is probably crazy.
In my meditations today I am able to feel more of the breath on my upper lip. I also spend a lot of time wondering if the nostril that I’m mostly breathing through today is the same one I was breathing through yesterday. I could swear it switched (spoiler alert: it switched).
Lying in bed at night, I begin organizing all my random thoughts throughout the day into mental lists of all the things I want to do when I get back to real life.
Day 3
During the evening lecture, we learn that these three days have been the pre-work of quieting the mind, which will make us ready to begin Vipassana the next day. I am somewhat relieved that the whole practice is not only following the breath, and mostly anxious that things are going to become more difficult.
Day 4
Things become more difficult.
The real Vipassana technique is introduced, which is very similar to body scanning. We now take the ability to observe subtle sensations, which we’ve been practicing, and apply this across the whole body, starting at the top of the head. A scan from top to bottom takes about 10 minutes.
During the evening lecture, we are told the 8:00am, 2:30pm, and 7:00pm sessions are now sittings of strong determination. This means commit to not changing postures once sitting. Explicitly we are told not to uncross legs, open eyes, or open hands. Implicitly I understand it’s okay to relax my shoulders if they become tense and to straighten my spine if I begin to slouch.
Sitting through the first sitting of strong determination is intense. It is pretty miraculous to feel an intense pain somewhere in the body, do nothing about it, and have it go away. During this first session, I certainly didn’t have the perspective to think how miraculous it was. It was more “WHEN IS THE BELL GOING TO RING?! This is painful!” When the hour was finally over, and I’d successfully not moved, I felt very accomplished and was impressed by my willpower. These moments were where I felt I was building resilience.
4 days, 9 meals, 1 sitting of strong determination down.
6 days, 12 meals, 18 sittings of strong determination remain.
Day 5
I wake up at 6:00am, breaking my commitment to be at every sit. I rationalize this away as ‘not-my-fault’ because the previous night I had insomnia either driven by my lack of exercise (or any activity that could cause any tiredness) or by my roommates’ constant snoring. I consider I haven’t had enough time in the day to think about random things, and my mind wants to make up for it at night. I quickly dismiss that idea as ‘not-how-brains-work.’
Having missed a morning sit, I revise my commitment to now complete every sitting of strong determination. Knowing it’s possible makes a huge difference and I’m very thankful the first one went well. I enter each subsequent sit thinking “I know the outcome. It’s inevitable that I’m not going to move. It’s only a question of how quickly the time passes.”
I am very thankful I didn’t drive myself and that I turned in my phone, as my temptation to do anything else grows every day. The boredom is worse than the pain during the sits. I can psych myself up for the strong determination sits, believing there is a strong purpose in these sessions. I can’t do the same for the self-directed sessions, and begin taking longer breaks during the non-strong-determination sits.
I discover it takes 7 minutes to walk from the hall to my dorm at a normal speed, and 22 minutes if I go as slow as possible but always keep moving. I discover there is an emergency phone near one of the dorms and wonder if it works. I don’t check. I see a man in the woods walking his dog. He waves, I have a crisis deciding if I should I break my Noble Silence to interact with someone who has no idea I’ve committed to some crazy rules, I wave back. I spend a lot of time wondering if you should floss the outside of your back-most molars, decide probably not, and do it anyway.
5 days, 11 meals, 4 sittings of strong determination down (halfway point!).
5 days, 10 meals, 15 sittings of strong determination remain.
Day 6
The pain of the long sits are less and less bothersome, and I approach the sensations with more curiosity than judgement. An itch, a cold chill, or a new pain is an event to explore. I think “okay, I feel I really got a lot out of this retreat, but I think I get it now. I don’t think I need the last 4 days.”
I continue to think this almost every day, and continue to be glad I stayed.
Day 7
During the evening meditation, I feel positive tingling sensations throughout my whole body, and no pain or discomfort whatsoever. Body scans become effortless and quick, and begin to feel more like energy pulsing through my whole body, top to bottom, bottom to top. This turns into what I can only describe as euphoria. I begin thinking “whoa! Now I get it! This is crazy! I wonder if I’m going to start floating…” and that’s exactly when the feeling dissipates and goes back to regular human experience. I strongly believe it was punishment for my stupid idea. I go check a clock immediately and discover it lasted about 5 minutes. I have to remind myself not to crave positive sensations and be equanimous towards this as well, which is much more difficult than towards negative sensations.
I go to bed thinking the next 3 days will be a breeze, and I’ve finally unlocked the secret.
Day 8
Euphoria does not return. I try not to be disappointed and try to actually believe that equanimity is more important than any particular sensation, but it’s difficult to convince myself. Ultimately I figure I can just keep reminding myself of the belief I want to have whenever I notice the opposing thought arise, which is essentially the same strategy I took when convincing myself that pain wasn’t negative (“oh, pain! How interesting. I wonder when this will pass?”).
Day 9
9 days, 19 meals, 16 sittings of strong determination down.
1 day, 2 meals, 3 sittings of strong determination remain.
Day 10
I MADE IT! The noble silence ends around 10am, and everyone immediately begins chatting when they get outside. Those that came as a group find their group, those that came alone form groups or jump into existing group. Everyone is comparing experiences and discussing what brought them here. The positivity and honesty is overwhelming. Everyone is so interesting, it’s a humbling experience.
Going back to meditate at 2:30pm and 7:00pm is tough, and it’s evident the meditation isn’t as deep after the isolation is broken.
A group of us end up chatting until midnight, at which point one of the instructors, staying in a cabin far out of earshot, came to tell us to go to bed (how did he hear us?). It felt a lot like camp (…I imagine, I never really did camp), and the people I met immediately feel like close friends.
Day 11
Last day of camp. I get my phone, wallet, and keys back. They have a donation table setup, and I’m impressed by how they don’t pressure or solicit anyone to give money. My overall rating of the organization is ‘not a cult.’
I get a ride home with a generous guy and two other stranded women. We stop for a big breakfast, listen to some great music, and talk about what we have planned for the year.
In the moment, the experience was tough. Almost every day I wanted to leave and questioned if I was wasting my time. Then it was over and I immediately remembered the experience fondly. It was really strange to experience that shift from “is it over?” to “that was fun,” knowing it wasn’t really fun and that I didn’t really want to do it again for a while. I wonder what it’ll be like next time… in a year or two. Or ten.
More Resources
Waking Up meditation app–An excellent introduction to meditation, along with Headspace.
Awareness, by Anthony de Mello–An interesting book on waking up to what really matters in life. (My review here)
Search Inside Yourself, by Chade-Meng Tan–The book that introduced me to meditation.